I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
