Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
