I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I look better un-naked...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
