nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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