i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
