dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
