Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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