It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my sisters under your porch take her home
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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