I hope mine doesn't look like that
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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