Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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