Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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