I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
