your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
