i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
