When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
