____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Even my vagina gasped.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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