Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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