when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
