Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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