Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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