Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
