apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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