my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
