she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
