Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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