Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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