I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
