If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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