My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
