I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
