I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
