your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
