I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
