I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
