nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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