Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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