Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
