Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Four minutes until I can fart!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
