It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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