I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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