I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
