Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
