just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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