Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
