I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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