not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
