Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
