Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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