i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
