This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
