Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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