It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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