We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
