i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
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