Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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