whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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