my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
