Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
