FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
