You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
