You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
